Time to Heal

On this day two years ago, I posted this quote on my facebook page before I attended the above ‘My Story’ event; “May your journey in life be one that you look back at and seek inspiration for others. Through the ups and downs there is something in everyone’s life that others can learn from. I have been through a lot and it is a joy to share my life this night.”

This mornig, this flyer along with the quote flashed up as a reminder on my Facebook memories and I have to honestly say that the evening event ended up unveiling unresolved trauma. On the evening two years ago, I was the last speaker and it got so emotional that there was not a dry eye in sight. I came face to face with the realisation that I was at a breaking point emotionally, as a human being and unless I made changes it was the beginning of a downward spiral into a place I have only seen others go to in films and not, in real life.

I am naturally a very jolly, easy going, vibrant individual, which is probably why I was picked for this evening of talks. I began to share the things I have overcome, from the effects of physical, (regular flogging over 4 years as punishment for the smallest infraction), emotional (sudden deaths of various close friends and family members culminating with two miscarriages), and coming to grips with the fact that I was about to hit the middle ages with absolutely no plan for the future. I broke and was terrified; all this was despite having the most wonderful husband and loving children. I was diagnosed with reactive depression, which apparently as it sounds stems from anxiety and worrying as a rection to the situations around you.

My darling husband suffers from a condition, which means that he is one of, if not, the oldest living person with it. Also, as a result of his condition, we were never meant to have children and somehow we did. My fears over his health started to weigh heavily with more regular hospitalisation and watching him with pain, that only someone who has given birth naturally can relate to.

In my mind I have never been the type of person who thinks about tomorrow. This played a huge role in our attraction towards each other. I discussed all this on the evening, and how my spiritual life strengthens me into living positively and being hopeful, but towards the end I completely fell apart at the weight of everything I have been carrying. In all fairness, I was advised to get counselling and take part in a freedom from pain course but I had managed just fine this far, so I tried to just forget the whole thing had happened. My pandora box was wide open and there was no turning back.

It has taken two years to heal and I can actually admit to being in a good place emotionally and psychologically. We are not fated at birth to just accept the things that happen and absorb them to the detriment of everything that makes us who we are. There are things that we go through, which create disharmony from what we eat, watch, to what we listen to,, but most importantly; the environment we live in and the people who surround us. My advice, is to improve your environment and you will most certainly begin to thrive instead of simply surviving. As a family it became apparent that the place we had grown attached to and strongly believed we would raise our children and spend our lives in, was no longer suitable for us if anything, life started to throw one tragic event after another as if to say ‘get out of here!’ There is a freedom that comes from letting go and freefalling into whatever comes your way. Peace of mind and joy are worth more than any treasure out there and you will never heal in the same environment that makes you sick. I have found joy in the kindness of others and in appreciating the blessing of the people who are around me.

On 24th October 2018, days after this event I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this poem:-

The Rip

The rip; the tear,

The stabbing pain,

Like the soul being torn from the body,

The pain so intense, the depth so unbearable,

The feeling of hope fading away.

This rip; crushing me from within,

I try to fight but I cannot hold it,

When love cannot cure,

When love does not hold the answer,

I feel so broken and shattered,

Beyond broken I am empty,

What Next?