Will I Ever Drive

I have an eidetic memory. 

I can randomly recall events so vividly it sometimes scares me. I remember conversations, scents, noises and minute details whilst at the same time I can completely block out certain memories and have no recollection of them no matter how hard I try.

This first started with my first ever memory; I can play it out in my mind almost like a film. It is always constant and every time I remember it, my heart breaks. If you are not a compassionate person I suggest you stop reading now.

I must have been 4 years old, walking hand in hand with my daddy on a busy street. We stopped by a crossing with groups of people waiting on both sides of the road. There was music blaring from ‘matatu’s’ which is a term coined for a type of public transport in Nairobi. Anyone familiar with the City in the Sun will know exactly what I am talking about.

In the 80’s crossings would rarely have traffic lights or actual zebra crossing marks. Some crossings were just random and very often where passengers would disembark or board public transport.

I clocked a middle-aged man on the other side arguing with a woman. She was ignoring him and he seemed very frustrated. The perfect moment presented itself for the masses to cross and hurriedly from both sides, everyone started moving. The middle-aged man just stood as his companion walked on. My father was the type of man, who as an enforcer of the law, would not let such a situation carry on without getting involved and bring peace to the situation. He was bold and unafraid of confrontation. (I must get that from him).

He held me back and said, ‘wait’. I stood still and watched as the man started to make his way across to us. I looked to my right and there was a truck speeding towards him. He started running, tripped, got hit and landed right in front of me (his top half). My daddy tried to cover my eyes but it was too late. I could never unsee that. I have only ever talked about this with my husband.

It left me scarred and terrified of driving. I felt a pain that haunts me to this day. If I am in a car and a truck comes anywhere near me, my heart leaps. I am scared of being in control of a vehicle and whilst I understand that it was an isolated event, a few other events only added to the fear of being able to drive and having to face a situation where a bus or truck was close to me. There is an episode in series 1 of Billions, when the character Axe was able to recall events surrounding a fight he had been involved in. I said to Ahabi, ‘darling that is exactly what happens to me.’

When I was a teenager one of my aunties lost her fiancée to an incident with a trailer. It flipped and landed on his car. As the news broke, I actually visualized and played out the scene my mind. Consequently, I vowed to never, ever drive.

At 20 I took my first driving lesson and was in the passenger seat with a friend talking me through the controls etc. We were on St. Marys Street, Cardiff, before it was pedestrianised. As my friend was driving a woman who was obviously inebriated ran towards the car, flew up in the air and landed on the windscreen. I froze screamed so loud and wished it had been a dream. She somehow managed to jump right up and say, “Sorry this has happened before, I was trying to scare my boyfriend.” She refused to be taken to the hospital.

A year later, I agreed to another lesson with a different friend. We were going to go on the motorway at a time when it wasn’t so busy. There is a roundabout in Cardiff by the Health hospital known as the Gabalfa roundabout. As we drove around it the car lost control, flipped and landed upside down. I had to be cut out of it and rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.

Spring 2014, brought with it the announcement that Ford would be releasing the Mustang for UK customers. My mind went aahhh… I sent off my provisional drivers’ license application form and started lessons with the sole intention of being one of the first to have a Mustang. Orange with a black interior, baby in the back, hubby driving shotgun and mama bear in control. That is until I started screaming the first time my instructor tricked me into driving on the main road because…wait for it… I felt the car was going too fast and I could not control it. The gauge was at 40mph!! how embarrassing.

I did pretty well and would have gone on to take the tests but we moved to the city right before and the difference between driving in the tranquil countryside and learning in a city petrified me. I would love a Shelby Mustang GT500 yes! yes!..the look of that car, an upgrade from the GT350, ooh wow. The thought of me behind the wheels makes me grin like a Cheshire cat but terrifies my entire family and anyone who knows me. I can have a supercharged car and not drive it like a boy racer? cant I??? slowly to and from the school run, out and about in my Yellow Mustang.

I have been told that at 35, living in a developed country I should be driving by now and whilst I agree, if you were in my shoes what would you do. People can be mean, insensitive and prey on others weaknesses without understanding the whole picture. I have learned to embrace every individual and applaud the things they can do, not highlight, amplify and make them feel bad about their weaknesses. Every weakness has a story so before you go hurting peoples feelings remember there is a human being behind your judgment, maybe a trauma, that you can either encourage them and help them conquer or just have compassion over.

I am obsessed with cars, car shows, new motors coming on the market and every vehicle we have has since meeting my husband has been carefully researched by yours truly. I devour the motoring sections of newsprints weekly with such enthusiasm always wanting to keep abreast of the latest developments. I am interested in concept cars and will someday attend the Geneva Motor show as it is on my bucket list. It fascinates me when I think that in decades to come there will be options which now seem beyond our dreams. Growing up the most exciting improvement on motors came from ‘pimp my ride’ or hydraulics on music videos. Now we are looking at driverless cars, fully electric vehicles and hybrid cars are so noughties. BMW has only recently announced that they will start up-cycling plastic from the ocean and use it in their cars. The Maybach Pullman with enough space for four VIP’s has such a tantalising and grand title it just begs to be driven plus the pictures are too cool for words. The price is as my hubby would say ‘ay ay ay ay aaaaay!’.

Most husbands and wives can never agree on a joint favourite car but ours is undoubtedly the Volvo XC range. It was the quietest car we ever had which for someone who is hard of hearing made a tremendous difference to my hubby. These are things most people don’t think about but we obviously have to factor the noise coming from the car and the noise coming from the occupants as well. We first fell in love with the led brake lights of the xc60. A minor detail we picked up after seeing a few when driving and every drive was a ‘lets spot some Volvos’. Hubby decided to swap his precious Volvo for a small car to make it easier for me to learn. This was over two years ago! He dreams of the new xc90 which is perfect for any growing family with amazing tech, safety features. Look it up if you are thinking of a family car.

With this driving quest, I will be sticking to my dream of one day owning a Night Eagle Jeep Pearlcoat Overland with Kahn interiors because that’s just how extra I am and it is my current ‘whip’ of choice. For those who want to keep up with the youngins, whip is an urban dictionary noun which means ‘a car of notable quality.’ I know purple is a bit extreme for some as a colour but when you have been through what I have faced, none of that matters. That car will be a symbol of conquering this giant I have held onto for over three decades. It will truly be my steel, metal and plastic baby. My girls have recently introduced me to ‘Ali-A’s Superchargers’. It is the pimp my ride version for modern kids. They are hooked and it made me wonder whether this love of cars is inherited as I have never watched car shows with them and neither has their daddy. Chanel keeps giving us ideas of what she wants in the next car we get and I am learning not to discredit any because anything is possible, well, apart from the button that transforms the boot into a playhouse as the car is being driven.

If I am going to be completely honest with myself, This is more than dealing with a traumatic memory. I know deep down why I have not wanted to drive. The one person who promised to teach me how to, died before he could. He would have understood my pain. He would have been the one to say ‘I was there when this monster crept in and took hold of your mind and I will be there to take you out of it’. I do not mind that he did not get to see me graduate, I do not mind that he never got to walk me down the aisle, I do not even mind that he is not here to see the wonderful man I married and the children we have because in so many ways I see him in them. My heart is jaded by the numerous number of excuses I have given myself over the years as a response to not dealing with this. I am hurt and I am mad that he never got to drive with me, pick a car and say…you’ve done it. As I wipe the flood of tears pouring down, I feel sorry for those like me who were promised something which may seem so small but death stole it and you do not know how to get past it. I had not planned on ending this story like this but I have to be honest about my struggles and my victories otherwise none of this will be real.
Ahabi Love